I was just laughing about something I said in a clip of me and my cousin playing fortnite. Basically I brought up the hypothetical of being able to pee any specific thing that you want for the rest of your life, but the only thing is that you'll feel is the temperatureof it coming out. I think to myself "ok i'm gonna go with something nice and drinkable so that i can survive inh like any situation right" so i say some drink item that i cant really remember. Then my cousin says "fanta grape" and i thought that was pretty good. Then I started discussing the probable nuances of pissing fanta grape then he told me to stop thinking about it but obv my brain started up already i couldnt stop. Then i thinking about what your balls must feel like in that situation then stated "sometimes your winky needs to fart to let out the excess gas" and that was probably the most hilarious thing i said that week because i was rolling on the floor practically.
Anyways that joy is dead now. The past few weeks have been asscheeks. Nothing really to look forward to anymore, which is weird since it's my birthday tomorrow and that's usually the peak of my "something to look forward to" mindset that I've kept all my life. Sure this year has just been a shit one all around, besides being able to take an unintentional gap year to kinda "fix myself" nothing really has been coming up that I can say, ok that's progress. Well maybe not. I suppose you could say that me doing all this self-reflection and internal processing is helping me to some degree. And yeah it definitely is, but it also feels Like I'm just realising how bad the situation has been all this time. A good point for growth i suppose. I have so much that I want to do and so much that I'd like to see myself achieve in this life, but nothing really makes me want to "do" those things.
First off I'm avoiding my medication like crazy even though i tell myself every night "tomorrow we take it" but tomorrow don't exist as they say. Wherever I see myself i try to imagine the most direct route possible, but i alwys assume that I have this god-level persistence when that is the one damn thing that I am always missing. Persistence. I don't have any confidence in myself or my ideas. I never have it in me to drive a sense of consistency in any of the things that I've ever wanted to do. I talked with the psych last week and came to the realisation that it's really only fear that pushes me at this point. I dont care if that's the general consensus or if everybody in my situation feels that way. I hate that. I really really hate that. I have such strong love for the things that I picture in my head and feel a strong inclination to those very things, but my body just doesn't wanna. My body is greased on fear, baby.
Speaking of fears, one thing I'll always fear is being chased. Which is probably why I haven't gotten myself to try nextbot yet. Lol. "Yet". Like I'm gonna. It just stresses me the fuck out. I've had too many damn nightmares that either directly picture me being chased or impose the rush of being chased, both of which absolutely petrify me. What's the difference between petrify and terrify anyway? Eh no matter. Another fear I can say I have is being lost. Honestly in retrospect coming up with all these fears that I've had all these years made me think that they're all pretty childish. And not childish bad like they're things I need to just "stop" because they're dumb. Like childish as in fears that I probably would have gotten over as a child if things went differently, and the way I react to them now is practically the same as though I were still that same child. I suppose in many ways I am still that same child. I have no idea how to be an adult and some of these mfs just seem to know what to do. I don't hate that, I just hate that I'm missing the thoughts or processes to get that going. Blah blah that's just work ethic and proper self-care blah blah. None of that ensures that I'll be happy or content in the end.
All I know is by the end of this year it's make or break. Which is suppose is the fear that I might need to get myself into gear. But what if it isn't and I'm just lost right now. I just don't know what to do and all the things I've been wanting to do or at least theorized as being the interests that would take me where I want to go, are actually the things that I should've given up a long time ago. Well speaking for me right now, I can say that I'd at least like to finish something in these categories for once before i fuck off and try carpentry or something. Seeing as I'm prob gonna be a teacher next year, got forbid I stay in that position forever, and that's IF I get stuck in that situation without any alternatives. This is the year for me to prep for that I guess. Well just to get myself in shape. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It all comes together for everyone. At some point.
I'm tired but I'm not.