Well I feel like shit. Quite tired but more depressed than usual lately. I’m ok but the space im in is weird. I’ve had fears of the future and shit like that from time to time and sure, me sitting at home like this not really knowing what I’m doing is definitely contributing towards that. I don’t really know how to process it all in a way that’s action oriented. Well I do. I don’t and I do. I do know that there are steps and that even if I didn’t know exactly what those steps are or how to perform them I’d know how to find the resources that would help me do so. However. I don’t know how to get in the mindset of “time to go”. Like I don’t know what I need to create in myself to make it happen. I’ve got a bunch of things that I wanna do, some in the area of social stuff and just experience I’d like to have, others in the areas of future career things and wanting to do more creative projects that I’ve got the ability to do right now. Worst thing is I know they’d be fun. So why the fuck can’t I do them?
What’s keeping me. Do I not want to? I think I want to. Think it was Jay-Z or someone who said “if you don’t wanna do the thing you wanna do, then you haven’t quite found it yet”, so I’m considering that a frank possibility. But I don’t even know how to get myself going on finding out what that may be. The best thing would prob be for me to try and find out what I’m not getting from the stuff that I currently do. Even better would be to just full fuckin send it and just give 110% into whatever comes into my mind and not let anything distract me from doing just that. I’ve thought a lot about kinda going on that type of energy of just making and making and making and making until I get bored. But then I’d get bored.
Would I? I love the stuff I’ve done. Maybe the only reason I don’t wanna do the stuff I’ve been doing right now is because I haven’t given enough time and thought into it. I just do it when i feel it then look for something else to satiate my thirst for stimulation, which is probably a video game or something. I’m staying away from that in the coming days though. I just wanna see what happens. I have no real faith in any of the things I try to do anymore tbh. Nothing seems to stick and that’s probably because I have no sense of consistency or conviction in the things i do. Especially the things that have high stakes nowadays. Feel like I’m talking dumb lol. I probably am. Am I? Someone might read this, someone might not get to this point but I guess this is just for me. At some point I have to start adding media and stuff since I wanted to use this to keep up with my interests but it seems like it’ll take some time for that to happen. Right now I’m just venting. AMongsng. Shut up.
Happiness is a hard thing to sustain.