Well i’m a lil late with this i think. Wanted to write it yesterday but damn time flew tf by. Well not rly I got some computer upgrade shit that I’ve been saving for for a loooooooong time. So yesterday was my building that whole shebang for like 4 or 5 hours. And that was unfortunately done in the space of time that I had between power outages sooooo i had nothing to do for a lot of the day. Even in the period after the power was out I just played games with Josh (cousin) and his friends. I like doing it but it kinda makes me think I’m wasting my time. There’s a lot I could do in a day.
I started trying to-do lists and that made me a lot more proactive about the stuff I do in the day. My ADHD ass usually can’t cope with lists since it’s either too overwhelming or to tedious, never anything in between. So I just tried to be as specific as possible in what I had to do (i.e make sandwich, finish lineart, clean up room etc.) which worked way better than expected, especially considering that I’m not medicated atm. I should be medicating but I’m rly just not doing anything about it. I mean I want to be more effective in the stuff I do but I can’t handle the side effects of it. Main thing that happens is the sudden anxiety I get at the end of the day after taking it. Next week I wanna get back onto microdosing just to see if it gets me in the right head space. Been more down that usual so hopefully it works out.
God my head feels hot. I mean it usually does when I’m done talking to people. Not irl or anything just over playing video games lol. I really need to get out. Seems like a lot of people are hanging out and having fun but god I just..don’t..? I mean I want to for sure, at least I think so. I’d like to socialise and have new experiences and see stuff I don’t usually see and get some fresh air and make things exciting but I just… don’t. Not sure what I have to do to get past the blockage between my brain intention and my body’s action. I’ve mentioned this a lotta times to my therapist but I still come up short. Sometimes it’s just a case of anxiety or lack of knowledge over what I’m trying to do which just leads to eventual disinterest and distraction. Such is ADHD i guess. I wouldn’t mind going to the city then dipping off to the coast. There’s a promenade there that I’ve really been wanting to take a walk on with my ear buds in. God that’d be nice. Just that cold air. If I walk from the end to end I could prob get ice cream then too.
Honestly I just dont wanna use the bus. I fuckin hate the bus. I love that I can get around without a driver’s license but I hate having to stand around for a bus that’s an hour late. I think i mostly hate it for the experience it gave me in uni. Strange to think about now but it was definitely something that made me hate uni even more. Haven’t used the bus at all since I stopped going. I really wanna do that this year. There’s a lot I wanna do this year tbh but holy shit i keep getting distracted. The common theme being games, why don’t I just not do that in the week. Why is that so fucking hard. Why do I crave the stimulation, it’s like I get locked into that zone. Feels like the same kinda headlock that made me fail all those years in uni. Well that and the pure disinterest of the degree. Just feels like it’s apathy that drives me away from everything. No commitment to nothing. Not people, skills, hobbies, crafts or places. Everything is just kinda disposable it feels like. At least that’s what it feels like my brain is interpreting everything through. I don’t like that at all. Makes me feel like a robotic asshole. I like to think I’m empathetic and such but it almost feels like I have to think about it to do it. Not like think about how this person is feeling and what I should say to comfort them but what can I say to not make me look like an asshole right now. Everything’s confusing.
God my body is warm.